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If there's something that I've learned .. It's that you do not trust the voice within (fuck you christina aguilera) My voice within fucking hates me, It just keeps on trying to beat me down and making me hate myself, and hurt myself .. but maybe that's not my inner voice, but if there's another one, it's not loud enough ..

There's just that mountain strength .. which I'm sometimes really tired of .. maybe if I was weak I could settle with being weak .. but there's that goddamn conviction that I could be so much stronger, and better .. That I don't have to be this way .. that everything can be better .. or well, more that I can me mostly this way .. just without the self hatred, and the breakdowns, and the crying everynight ..

I'm just so scared, It keeps me doubting everything .. especially you .. and I don't! But it just keeps questioning everything you say .. And i could never ever imagine you hurting me in any way, but it just stays there in the beack of my head .. whispering and waiting for a weak moment when it can start the screaming .. That's when i doubt everything, when I hate myself for saying to much bad stuff and not enough good, when I doubt that just a "sorry" and an "I love you" can really cut it, do you really realise how sorry I am for my behaviour, how much I love you and how I'm aching to make everything right while my mouth is running away from me ranting out every single little bad thought that I've ever had.

And I never know how to make it stop.

I can't trust the voice within .. I can trust the valkyrie .. the one who sometimes wakes up and bitterly laughes about how I have been behaving in her absence.. or the rare moments when I look at myself and feel like a million bucks and I see how that realisation makes her come out and look back at me in the mirror with a crooked smile and an extra glimmer in the eyes.. She is the mountain strenght, the one who is supposed to be in charge .. But She kind of only comes out properly when it's time to battle, and now she doesn't have to.. she can rest .. as long as she's holding on just enough for me not to fall away completely, In the state that I am now I guess I don't pose much of a threat, I haven't hurt myself more then like once in more then six months so even though I'm still battling with myself, the stronger artillery is apperently not particularly necessary (that was a lot of long words xD)

Now, If you're wondering, I have actually realised that this makes me sound like a completely mad person with obvious SPD, but I guess that I've just drawn a very personified image of three different states of mind.. There's kind of the one that has been built by 18 years of shit that has been done or said to me, there's the part that has been built as a self defense against the first one (the one i like the most) and then theres .. I guess i shouldn't say "me" since that would once again make me sound like I Do have SPD but, since I'm kind of being tugged between the first two i guess there's kind of a middle thing, wich basically just walks around, terrified that No1 will take over while trying to sustaine a proper(but, a bit failed) existence..

And I guess that's it .. I don't think I have much more to say right now ..
But I do hope That the slow smothering of state of mind No1 Is working, It feels like it at least .. Becuase I know that The valkyrie who brings the glimmer to my eyes and the "fuck it" attitude that kills the pain will wake up, and stay, She's the one who is me, the other one is just baggage.

Nu jävlar ska jag läsa Nemi och försöka få tyst på rösthelvetet som försöker intala mig att jag förstör allting , bajs på den, om det inte var för den skulle jag inte bryta ihop in the first place ..

peace out ^^