hollowness, nothing less

Where is the energy? How do people get it?

I've had an epic weekend, I went to Örebro and celebrated my 20th birthday, met my best friend Tia, my family and my cousins, aunt and uncles, and yeah .. it was nice, I loved it! Got a bunch of epic presents, I'll take some pics later.

And now I'm back home and I just feel so .. tired, empty and.. I don't know .. just .. no energy what so ever. I'm so scared of the future, It feels like everything is going to shit, I've got a bunch of backed up homework, the apartment looks like a shithole, and I just have no motivation what so ever. I just want to sleep .. lie here in the couch for ever and just sink into whatever it is that's holding me down, figure out why, and deal. But there's no time. Whenever I'm free I always clean a little, un-noticable bit or do something else, or I just lie and watch Tv-shows.. I can't think, I can't breathe

Living is just too damn exhausting. And I hate feeling like the kind of person that you can't count on. And I can see it in peoples eyes, they look at me like the kind of girl who has no motivation, no drive, and probably will end up somewhere not too good. Someone who lacks the confidence to really pursue her dreams and therefore will never achieve them .. I mean if I can't even get to school every day or do all of my homework, then how the fuck will I ever be able to take enough responsibility to do .. well anything productive .. I Have no ide man .. no idea.

It's just .. Too much. I have A swedish finale next week, A job interview tomorrow, A spanish homework, another homework, two old swedish homeworks, An english assignment, A crappy apartment that smells like shit, laundry, I have to start working out, start cutting hair at home to practise more, live out my creative side through painting and crocheting, practise my guitalele, love my boyfriend, make food, Change my kittehs litterbox, buy food, and remember to take it easy and relax once in a while ..

It's just .. too much. But hey .. I'll manage school .. I guess .. And the job interview tomorrow will be epic, even though the job is like .. more then an hours commute away .. I need to work this summer. And yeah .. All of this can be completely worked out.

If only I had any energy what so ever, but unfortunately, I don't.

But I guees I just have to .. force myself .. To the extreme. Man .. this sucks.
But hey, at least I'll turn 20 on sunday .. so maybe I should plan a party .. ?
Whatever dude.. you can take my energy, but you can't take my selfhatred, And eventually, it always drives me to do what's best for me, becuase If I should fail, I probably couldn't live with myself, So I always eventually make everything.. not right but .. I take it back to an acceptable level. If that makes any sense? maybe not .. ok .. bye now!